I’m currently devouring a half-pint of Häagen-Dazs ice cream, wrapped in a blanket, rocking myself back and forth in a comforting motion.
Sometimes, my cat misjudges her positioning while using her litter box, and shits on my wall. These remissed excrements would have made a better read then R.E Butler’s novella “A Bead of Blood”.
The story, if you could call it that, is about a natural born vampire named Sabina Chalise. She works for a group called The North American Vampire Council as a Hunter, which just basically means she’s vampire police. Her boss is a vamp named Etienne, and the first chapter begins with Sabina stalking a vampire club, as people have gone missing, and her boss thinks the club owner Mishka has something to do with it. She spies a human man meeting up with some shady dude, and they get into some exchange about addresses the man was suppose to find. She witnesses the following dialogue from rooftops away, (She has enhanced vampire senses and can see and hear everything.)
“‘It was all I could get. The bears all live in one place west of here, but the wolves are scattered all over.’
The man from the car grunted ‘We already have bears and wolves. I want those damn birds!’
‘S-Sorry, Hector. I tried to follow the bird man that were with the witches in the solstice like you told me, but they flew into the air, and I lost them in the trees.'”
Sabina pulls out her smart phone, and using some vague ‘night vision technology’ takes pictures of the car’s plates. It’d be really cool if you didn’t need to use the phone and had, I don’t, established enhanced vampire powers? After the shady guy leaves, Sabina assaults the blubbering human, who reveals that he’s been forced to find addresses of supernatural creatures for some vampire called “The Doc.”
My fangs elongated in rage. “Vampires? You betray my people?”
This guy’s a human, it’s hard to betray a group you don’t belong to, and have promised no loyalties towards, but let’s just sit back and enjoy that hokey line. Anyway, vampire guy is taking were-beings and making them cage-fight. Sabina is outraged by this, and goes to a vampire club owner named Mishka for answers, and brings along her friend Red;he’s a ‘booster’, a demon trapped in a human body for punishment, and has glowing red eyes, which is where he got his name. It’s then stated that all demon-humans have red eyes. So..
When describing Mishka in the narrative, Sabina states that he never dates vampires, only humans. She follows this thought with
“I never understood how a vampire could date someone with such a finite existence and be unwilling to change him or her into a vampire. If I loved someone enough to commit to him I would want him to live with me forever.”
As unnecessary and alarming as that statement is, I at this point thought there was still some hope for this novella. Vampire police, were-people fighting ring, demons, that club owner Mishka seemed suave,(maybe he’ll be the villain!) I was such a child. A hopeful, optimistic, child.
Sabina and Red track down the Doc to an old warehouse, where a were-person fight is currently taking place. Sabina kills the guards at the front, then climbs the roof for stealth access into the ware house through a sunroof. (I think Sabina understands ‘stealth’ as much as Willow understood ‘adultery’) Back-up were wolves, sent by Michka, join her there, and then they jump through the sunroof. Apparently there is no due process; horrified by the violence of the fighting ring, Sabina and her friends then start killing the crap out of all the spectator. Sabina’s the vampire equivalent of a pro-lifer bombing an abortion clinic. Then… she sees HIM.
“When he had been in his human form and our eyes locked, I’d felt at once as if I’d known him forever, like we were kindred spirits.”
Uh-oh. She then goes on to explain that were-people find ‘truemates’, but vampires do not. Never the less—
“I searched my heart and felt a caressing tug, a connection to the large[he was in bear form at this point] creature standing next to me. He was my truemate. I was certain.”
Ugh. Well, Sabina and her gang find Doc and kill him, then light the warehouse on fire.
Oh, and remember how I said she had a job as a Hunter, was part of the North American Vampire Council, that there are demons, and other possibly intriguing story-lines? Forget all of it. The rest of the novella is her having sex with her were-bear man; they bond as truemates, growling possessive endearments to each other every-other sentence.
“‘I’m a bully?’ He took mock offence and grinned. ‘Not a bully, possessive of my woman.’ I liked that. Being his woman.”
This is two hours after they met. It makes me think of okcupid dates, where you both think, ‘well, I’m already here, so let’s force this to work’.
Oh, and Red? The demon in a human body? And Michka, the vampire club owner? Yea, you never see them in the story again. Instead, Sabina goes to the were-bear’s (Griegs Stalking Horse. Seriously.) home den. He’s been away for two years, as he was held captive. His family is delighted to have him back, and love his new vampire bride. Sabina briefly touches on how she was only close to her father, who died in Europe when she was 15 during the werewolves uprising. (Again, it sounds like an interesting story. Instead, I had to endure long descriptions of Griegs Stalking Horse‘s perfect penis.) and never felt like she had a family. Now, she bonds with Griegs Stalking Horse’s parents and sister-in-laws. One sister is a Wiccan, the other is a fairy-turned-healing-nymph, who gave up her wings to stay with her truemate, which changed her red hair to black, and her green eyes to brown. Why? I dunno. At this point, does it matter? Does anything matter anymore? Oh, also he has a missing sister who’s in the medes realm, (your guess is as good as mine,)and a messenger bird sends word that she’s safe, that time moves slower in the medes realm, and she’ll see them in ten years. Then there’s this part of the letter, which read:
“The threat to my life from the white-haired wizard has pasted, and he is defeated.”
Is this extrapolated on? Does it have any baring on the story? Nope. While reading, I felt as if I was trapped in a labyrinth castle, and every door I opened had crazy shit going on behind it; it must all be connected, as it was all in the same castle. But how?
Oh well, here’s another sex scene.
Then the author remembers that there was the begining of a plot at the start of this story, so Sabina and Griegs Stalking Horse go to her boss, Etienne, and asks to have her truemate become a Hunter, so they can always be together. Griegs Stalking Horse states that he doesn’t want Sabina working out there on her own, to which Etienne replies
“‘Do you think you could really stop her from doing her job?’
I almost said’ You’ve obviously never been in love before,’ but the words caught in my throat. I hadn’t told Griegs about my growing feelings for him, and our relationship was still so new”
Are you– are you fucking kidding me?! I’ve just had to endure 4 chapters of you two humping each other into oblivion, and it was also well established before that Griegs Stalking Horse will be drinking Sabina’s blood on a regular bases, which means he will live as long as Sabina. If fact, earlier this exchange took place between Griegs Stalking Horse and his brothers.
‘My immortal mate,’ I supplied.
The twins looked shocked. ‘Immortal?!’
Griegs grinned and squeezed my shoulder. ‘I get to love this sweetheart everyday forever. It was worth it.'”
Oh, but no, it’s too soon in your relationship.
Anyway this vomited up oatmeal my brain had to suffer through ends with Sabina and Griegs Stalking Horse working together as Hunters, happy with his family in the sappiest, most insipid story I’ve ever been subjected to. And I read almost all of the Sookie Stackhouse novels.
Overall: GOD HAVE MERCY ERASE THIS FROM MY MIND