Welp, I should have known that this was coming. Having enjoyed my last vampire novel, “School for Vampires”, I had a sense of doom when I picked this next one.
Before we begin, I must also share this picture with you, as it showed up when I googled the novellas’ title:
The narrative of this novella begins like this:
“It’s almost sunset and I have decided to stop at a coffee shop and try to get an internet connection on my laptop. No, I don’t drink coffee. I just like the smell of it.”
Oh, thank G! Liking the taste of coffee would be hellish.
This sounds less like a vampire story and more like a fifteen year old girl relaying her mundane afternoon on her live journal account. She then expositions that she’s the daughter of Satan, she has major daddy-issues, and also she is a vampire. From Hell.
“I suspect after I start publishing my story on this blog he’s [Satan] going to be super pissed.”
So really, it is someone fiddling away an afternoon bitching on her livejournal. She then tells the readers to sit back, relax, and hear how she became the only vampire. From Hell.
Last time, I swear.
The narrative then switches to first person. (Are we still reading her blog?) Rayea (YEA!) enters her office, where she works in Hell at her father’s company doing administration work, which she has been assigned to do as Satan isn’t very good with technology.
Rayea uses her job as an admin to secretly release as many humans from Hell as she can, like Oskar Schindler except— wait any joke there would be tasteless.
We’re introduced to Rayea’s seven-foot Hellhound Blink, who she’d found ‘by the river’ as a pup and brought up. They communicate telepathically. Rayea rubs her arm, causing Blink to ask if she is injured. She denies it:
“Irritated with my response, Blink grabbed my arm and pulled up the sleeve of my black leather jacket, pointing to fresh bruises.”
Is it bad that I’m more concerned with the difficulty of pulling up a leather sleeve, then the mechanism necessary for a dog to do so? However, he is a Hellhound, so I’ll let it slide. The bruises are from Satan who, it surprisingly turns out, is an abusive father. Rayea cries in Blink’s arms over her last beating session. Rayea is tortured because she’s a fan of humans. She obsessively surfs the internet, where she’s made a ton of human friends using Facebook and Twitter. She likes to buy things on e-bay, including an Egyptian vase.
Rayea and her friends geek out together over movies, especially a vampire show called “Blood Realm”, which stars a character named Ron Maxwell. Rayea sends pictures and information about this actor to her best-online friend Lynn. They argue about what to call the character; Lynn calls him Ron, Rayea calls him Maxwell, as she feels it’s a more vampire-like name. Why am I going on about this? Because this is how Rayea, daughter of Satan, spends her time. She calls her internet friends her ‘real’ family. Why do I get the feeling this is a glimpse into the author’s own social situation in life? I should also mention that Rayea thinks ‘Vampire Ron’ would sound silly: ‘like calling someone ‘Vampire Bill’. Is that a dig at True Blood? Maybe Bill is a stupid name for a vampire. It’d be like Satan naming his daughter Stephanie.
Satan’s daughter Stephanie walks into Rayea’s office for a taunting session. The two look nothing alike, and it’s made clear the sisters hate each other. Stephanie points at Rayea’s shirt and in disgust asks what she’s wearing. Rayea smirks and smiles down at her T-Shirt which reads: ‘I’m a fan of mankind’. Rayea must shop at Hell’s equivalent of Hot Topic.
After smashing Rayea’s vase, Stephanie leaves. Rayea then gets a text from her father, on her iPhone, and if I got laid for every time iPhones are mentioned in this novella, I’d eventually be able to take on Lexington Steele.
On her way to her father’s, Rayea contemplates what her father’s next idea for corrupting mankind will be, mentioning that he is responsible for global warming, something Al Gore must have missed in that powerpoint presentation he did.
Rayea arrives at her father’s—winery? Which is guarded by his own Hellhounds, Cedric and Wally, who happen to be green. Turns out Satan’s doing a little home fermenting and was testing the dye out on his minions. Cedric refuses Rayea entry as she’s forgotten her badge, even though he obviously knows her as Satan’s daughter. Then they taser the shit out of her, and she awakens tied up in her father’s—-winery, with
Azula Stephanie present in her demon face, which is snake-like with shark teeth. Rayea’s concerned about not having her iPhone. Satan reveals that he knows about her saving humans, and drags two of the escapees in and shoots them. Rayea screams in anguish. But this is Hell.
Satan then pulls out a glass of his green wine, drops some of his blood in it, then forces it down Rayea’s throat. After consuming this hellish concoction,
I lied,she screams, propelling herself backwards with the force of it, breaking the chair that she was bound in.
“With my blood, that green wine, and a blessing from the ancient snake goddess Mehen, I have created a vampire like no other!”
Satan announces this to an audience that was apparently there for the opening of his winery. His plan is to make more vampires on earth to dominate or something.
“I’m just a demon Father, like you and Stephanie, hello?” Rayea says.
“A demon, you? Hardly! You were born a human, a weak excuse for a being in any dimension. Didn’t you ever stop to think that you look nothing like me or your sister? Hello?!”
Turns out Rayea’s Father raped her mother, who was a follower of the god Ra, then he killed her, because Satan. Using her new vampire pyrokinesis, Rayea burns Cedric the minion to death, (Again, Hell?) before Blink wraps her up and shouts,
“We’ve got to go! G, open a passage way!”
Rayea is taken to heaven, which sound a lot like a resort mansion in Cancun. It turns out Blink is actually a shape-shifting angel sent to Hell to protect Rayea. Satan’s blood is poisoning her, so Blink gives her bottles of water to drink, also like Cancun. She laments not having her iPhone, until Blink surprises her with one; she eagerly catches up with her online life. She’s so happy she declares the day to have been ‘awesomesauce!’, which is also the name of the chapter. Death pays a visit, who it turns out is her ex-boyfriend, and totally ‘looks like Brad Pitt from “Meet Joe Black“. Wait a minute, if Satan’s plan is to make vampires, and his blood is poisonous to humans, how is that going to work? I don’t buy into his world domination claim. I think he just wanted to start a winery and didn’t want to lose face.
Rayea then meets the archangel Michael when she wakes up with him on top of her. She struggles but admires his package at the same time. He says she was having a nightmare and thrashing about, so he did what any gentleman would do: He pinned her down and got an erection. Blink comes in and tells her he’s bringing J over to see her, (God and Jesus are never written out, they are only referred to as J and G. Is the author Jewish, or, as my friend Zompie said, trying to be meta?) Blink leaves to go retrieve J, so Rayea and Michael decide it’s a good time to have hot sex on the couch while she drains him to the point of death. (Heaven? Angel?) J and Blink walk in on them half-naked and covered in blood and sex. J’s pretty cool about it, though. He sports an Armani suit and a Bluetooth in his ear, which he communicates with G through.
And then, zombies! J shows everyone video footage (in heaven) of angels with shark-like teeth in the training center (in heaven.) So they suit up and pull out their sawed-off shotguns and machetes, it’s a zombie war in Heaven, bitches!!!
But no zombie fight happens. Michael, Blink, and Rayea go to the training center the footage was filmed at, and discover half empty bottles of green liquid. In case that wasn’t a big enough clue on what happened to the angels, there is a logo on the bottle for Mehen Corporation. Why didn’t Satan just drop his business card at the scene and be done with it?
Anyway Stephanie shows up, except now she looks like Medusa. She has a boa constrictor around her neck which carefully watches everthing. Gee, I wonder who that could be. She even vomits up a giant snake. However, she talks a bigger game then she can give, and when the combined power of Rayea, Blink, and Michael is too much for her, she has an ‘I’ll get you next time, Gadget!’ moment, fleeing and leaving the boa behind. Figuring out that the snake, with it’s prolonged eye-contact, is her father, Rayea tells Blink and Michael to go see if J and G are OK. Alone with her father, who transforms back into his demon self, she tells him she’ll go back to hell if he let’s her friends be. He agrees, then caresses her face, and it’s thrown randomly at the reader that he’d sexually abused her as well. Really? He’s Satan, we know he’s evil. We have to throw rape in there at the last minute? Anyway, Rayea rather anti-climatically rips her father’s heart out using her new vampire powers, after which he ashes away like Voldemort in the movie. (As opposed to the book, where they casually threw his body in a corner.)
The book ends with Rayea meeting G, who is a short, burly, white-haired and bearded man sporting a Hawaiian shirt. At this point, whatever.
G tells Rayea she deserves a vacation: She finally gets to go to Earth!!! There, she’ll meet her online friends, where she’ll discover, like so many before her, that there was a reason she only had online friends to begin with.
Overall: 4/10, I’ll never see your face again.