Sharknado: Worse than Troll 2.

Sharknado is a depressing awful mess. It can’t even be classified as a bad movie. Trolls 2 was a bad movie. Sharknado is worse; it’s a lazy movie. This is the Jack & Jill of B movies, folks.

See, although it was God-awful, Troll 2, and movies like it, are fun. They have a certain charisma to them that makes it watchable. Sure, every single person overacts in every scene and the plot makes no descendible sense, but you don’t even care when you’re watching it. You’re too busy yelling at the screen and laughing with your friends. Or your cats.

The difference sticks out like the Washington Monument when you watch Sharknado. If you haven’t heard yet, Sharknado is about a shark-infested tornado that hits L.A. and the surrounding areas. It “stars” people who call themselves actors, a loser who used to be on Beverly Hills, 90210 and a mannequin named Tara Reid. Sounds like Grade A cheese, right?

Well, it’s a tough fucking chore to even get through this thing. The only person who seems as if they actually are having fun is the sassy waitress who holds a grudge against sharks. Steve Sanders and Ms. Plastic “Nip-and-Tuck” Reid deliver their lines like they’re reading from a restaurant menu.

Before I go too indepth, I want to point out that we were well aware this movie would be a cliché pile of shit. I wasn’t asking for much. In fact, to challenge us, Zompie, Kid Cork and I brainstormed a list of common tropes that were sure to pop up in a movie like this. In general, we did badly. However, here’s a list of unoriginal crap you can find in Sharknado.

  1. A fishing ship out to sea is attacked by the sharknado.
  2. There’s a large-scale shot of people in a traffic jam getting out of their cars and running away.
  3. There is a catchphrase, such as: “I really hate sharks.”
  4. Something large scale (animal, car, etc.) flies by à la Twister.
  5. The romantic subplot is a troubled relationship.
  6. Characters survive an aircraft crash.
  7. Someone makes a heroic sacrifice to save his/her friends.
  8. There is a child precariously in danger that our heroes must rescue.
  9. Several inappropriate jokes. (Including a joke about menses.)
  10. A sleazebag gets his comeuppance by getting torn apart.
  11. The final plan includes explosives.
  12. And it ends with a kiss.

Notice number 11, the one with the explosions? Yeah, that’s the whole plan. They’re going to blow up the sharknados. I mean, sure. We’re already operating with a very loose understanding about how tornados or sharks work, but really? Homemade coffee-can explosives thrown out of a helicopter is gonna work? Ugh, whatever. My point here isn’t that this is a stupid movie, it’s that it’s tedious. The plot is stupid, the script is poor, the actors are wooden and the graphics are horrendous. Everything is bad, and it’s made worse because this movie takes itself seriously.

To see what I mean, check out another Troll 2 clip:

That shit is so weird, so absurd, it’s hilarious. The crappy sets and over-the-top acting makes this a fun movie. Which is the complete opposite of Sharknado. I don’t understand why people on Twitter or wherever are giving it so much credit. It’s a stupid plot, and a bad movie. Not funny-bad, just bad-bad.

Although the ending was amazing as hell.

Spoilers, obvs.

The only redeeming thing in the movie.

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