Linda and Abilene

This little classic came up when my friends and I were browsing Netflix. The synopsis says it’s about a pair of siblings on the frontier who try to control their lust for each other, and with that sentence, I believe I need to go get more booze.

Nothin' like red-colored western font to get me carin'.

Nothin’ like red-colored western font to get me carin’.

OK, I’m back! Good old Detroit, always there for you when you want your vision to be blurred with indifference. In any case, I was visiting the home of Zompie and Ethos, and we were browsing Netflix when this happened. “Sure, that sounds good,” Ethos stated. Alarmed at such an uncharacteristic response, I whipped my head around to assess my friend. She was diddling with her phone, so I knew she’d come to regret her consent, as I would come to regret the rapid movements of my neck.  However, Zompie (whose love of self-harm through bad movies rivals my own) had the controls: so western-incest drama it was. Linda and Abliene starts with fancy credits titles such as ‘make-up’ and ‘talent coordinator’. I’m guessing the latter did her job in five seconds, as it’s hard to coordinate what’s not there. In any case, a man and a woman, who’ve bought their costumes at the seventies equivalent of Halloween USA, trot around on horses for a bit. The man then encounters the woman, and lifts her off her horse. She physically objects, kind of, slapping and kicking her feet in the air.

Image

What else can a woman do, except politely/apologetically protest?

The next scene is them having sex I guess? The man’s butt is showing, and he’s swaying back and forth in an infantile comforting gesture, and the woman seems to like it. Then she slaps the man, but likes it again. I’m trying to use cultural objectivity when I judge this obscure movie from the seventies, but even with the ‘rapist’ not knowing how sex works, I find this highly offensive. And I’m not even Ethos, who, you’ll find the more you read our blog, has a BIG issue with ‘it’s not rape if you enjoyed it.’  Not to say any of us do not take issue with this. But where Wendigo, Zompie, and myself and laugh and pass it off as another bad movie, Ethos will shout: “Get this out of my house, out of my sight!” As if the very film has a type of leprosy which could infect us all. It’s for this very reason I hope my beloved friend will never read 50 Shades of Grey, as I don’t think her small heart could take it, and we’re all quite fond of having her around.

She's cool with this part; it's the whole 'emotional abuse' and 'de-evolution of feminisim' that bothers her.

She’s cool with this part; it’s the whole ’emotional abuse’ and ‘de-evolution of feminism’ that bothers her.

Mercifully, the next shot is on two crosses over mounds of dirt. Hurrah! A funeral! Four people stand over it, and a camera left on tripod captures the whole exciting experience, as two of the people leave by horse-back. Slowly.The other two linger a bit, until the male decides the woman (who’s in a western frontier dress, and not at all a garment from the seventies ) has grieved enough. He leads her to their horse-drawn carriage, where we get to see them ride around a cul-de-sac half-way, before awkwardly realizing they are still on camera; they then continue until themselves and the carriage are behind some trees. I’m assuming it’s fifteen miles to their home, as it cuts to the two getting off at a house with a TIN ROOF! Rusted!  These two are called Abilene and Todd. (Who’s Linda?) They’re siblings, and their parents have just died. We know this because they tell us in their sound-stage of a living room, with Ma and Pa’s pictures conveniently pinned on the wall. Todd says they wouldn’t want them to be sad. (Stock-phase, not this movie’s fault. However, if you DIE, and are DEAD, you don’t get to dictate how anyone feels.) The scene then ends abruptly with Abilene sitting on a chair, and Todd reading a book, which I’m going to assume is the Bible, and for irony’s sake, I hope it’s on Leviticus 18:6

The next scene is back at those damn dirt mounds we got so antiquated with. Abilene drops cloth roses and speaks to her dead parents about how lonely she is, and how good Todd is to her. (Bow-chika-WOW-WOW) The camera man then struggles to get the camera off the tripod so he can pan up to the approaching Todd. Todd tells Abilene it isn’t good to dwell on sad things. They’ve been dead like, four days, get over it already! Cut to a montage of Todd chopping wood (and by chopping wood, I mean swinging a prop ax at a stick only for it’s dull blade to get stuck at every swing), the siblings playfully throwing rags at each other (hopefully not Abilene’s rags, ifyouknowwhatimean), and Todd digging for no reason.

Then, the money shot happens. Abilene goes away to ‘pick some berries’ only to come across a stream, (which was probably just a muddy sewage line out of southern California). The scene then begins, (with what Netflix close-caption so correctly IDs), with sultry jazz music. Abilene takes off her red dress, (one of three that she apparently owns), in order to rub muddy stream water all over herself. Sexfully. And guess what? Big bro happens to come upon this scene, and decides to peep. He bites his lip and makes a face that’s probably supposed to be reigned in lust, but which comes off more as a, ‘Are nipples suppose to look like that?’ askance glance. (The answer is always ‘Sometimes.’ .http://www.007b.com/breast_gallery.php Have fun with this link.)

Does this tree hide my blue,baggy,  fleshiness?

Does this tree hide my blue,baggy, fleshiness?

In any case, this scene lasts five minutes, with the same three shots being used over and over again. Then follows a montage of the siblings interacting, only for Todd to have rapid flash-backs to his sister naked. OK, we just had to see it for five-minutes, having the actors look-longingly at each other would have been enough. But then, the director would have had to have faith in his actors, and if I were him, I wouldn’t either. This montage ends with the siblings saying loaded ‘Goodnight’s’ to each other, only for Ethos to finally look up from her phone and state, “I can’t take this anymore, seriously.” Zompie and I weakly protested.

“I don’t wanna see the brother and sister bang each other!” was Ethos’ closing statement. Fair enough. That left me to finish this on my own, as I hadn’t encountered anything lately I’d like to review, and Google searches on the movie gave out pretty scarce information. ‘Cause seriously, who’s Linda?

Well, Bro and Sis think about each other while they start their own lawn mowers (I need to know more metaphors). Very tellingly, Abilene thinks, at the moment, “I love you Todd!!” and Todd thinks, “I want you, Abilene!!” Cheeyea, typical male/brother. (Oh thank God I don’t have one.) By now I’m thinking these two are glad Ma and Pa died, so this infatuation could be left alone to blossom. There is a montage of more flirtation and I learn that Todd is a terrible farmer. First, there was the whole trying to cut saplings for firewood bit (for anyone out there who doesn’t know; saplings aren’t dry enough to burn well). Next, we see him pitchforking hay only to throw it— well, nowhere. I worked at a petting farm for only three months, ten years ago, and I’d make a better farmer then this guy. There’s also a scene of this western pioneer fixing a gate with a claw hammer. OK sure, we’ve had variations of claw-hammers since forever, but not the ones so common now-a-days that my dad gave me one by accident and never missed it. In fact, my father has so many tools from past father’s days/birthdays that he’ll be able to survive a zombie Apocalypse. OK, I’m going off on tools now, but it’s 40 minutes in. What am I watching this for? This segment ends with Abilene going down to the creek again. So same old naked, same old pervy brother, same muddy water. And this leads to—nothing. But her dress was different this time!

Ain't nothin' sexier than butter makin'.

Ain’t nothin’ sexier than butter makin’.

Then, finally, the sister’s standing around naked in her room in front of her mirror, doing her own version of ‘cross-eyed boobs’, when she hears a coyote, and gets scared. (Because someone on the frontier wouldn’t be use to coyotes?) Brother Todd runs in with just his jeans on. Then sex happens, somehow, through his jeans. It’s awkward, embarrassing to witness, and lasts ten minutes, all of which we have to watch. So, pretty much like anyone’s first time.

eh

Except for the ‘ten minutes’ part.

Well, now that they got that out of their system, it’s time for sexy montage where ‘I’m-building-a-house-in-the-Sims-and-it’s-taking-too-long’ music plays, and the siblings kiss each other and sex it up around the farm. Through Todd’s pants. Although, I can’t help but wonder; why’d Netflix label this as a ‘drama’ and not ‘soft-core porn’? And more importantly, why did it feel the need to suggest this movie to us? But I’ve digressed. I’m only half-way through. (And now I feel gross having mentioned my father in this post. This is a 1969 movie, my old man would have been—twenty? NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Only horror is down that train of thought!!!!!)

I love this, so my square parents can't!!!

This came out in 1975, but I love it, so my square parents can’t!!!

In any case, Todd decides he needs to find another girl, as the farm work ain’t getting done, what with all the incest. So he heads out, and meets Linda. THERE SHE IS!!!! ONE HOUR IN!!! In any case, Linda’s heard of Todd and asks about his parents. He’s sorry to inform Linda that they’ve died, and he’d just buried them last week. A WEEK?! IT ONLY TOOK YOU A WEEK TO START BANGING YOUR SISTER?!!! Remember how I’d said they’d been dead “like, four days, get over it already!” Well, I was joking. Geez, the frontier was tough. Todd  processes to gets drunk with Linda (who looks like a chaperon at a high school event who’s trying to live through her daughter), and mentions how his sister is at home alone. Well, Plaid McRapesalot is at the bar and overhears. He decides to take a little ride over to this modestly nippled sister. Abilene lets this stranger in, as he’s been ‘travelin’ a while’ and needs refreshments. Although Abilene states that her husband(brother) will be back soon, this swarthy fellow then sexually assaults her.

Have your score boards ready? Brother and sister start incestuous relationship: Brother has sex with moderately attractive hooker who is pretty nice; sister gets raped by random bearded man (after enduring all that butt hair from her brother). Well, that’s the punishment you get, one of you!

Thanks, Lilith, for making us all unworthy whores!!!

Thanks, Lilith, for making us all unworthy whores!

After a tearful and still naked Abilene tells her brother about the rape, Todd gets pretty sore that someone else was all-up in his sister’s business. He rides off,  hopefully out of this movie and out of my life. In the mean time, Linda stops by Abilene and Todd’s place, using the same line the rapist used, “I’ve rode a while, I’d like some refreshments.” Well, OK, Abilene decides. After all, Linda is in a non-threatening Halloween USA cowgirl outfit. But then girl-on-girl happens, as Linda says ‘sometimes only a woman knows what a woman needs.’ The recent rape victim is down with that, and a ten minute scene proceeds. See, here I find a scholarly interest; as this movie came out in 1969, has girl-on-girl always been a fantasy of men? How far back? I know the Romans wouldn’t have dug it. This needs some research.

Anyway, Todd has a duel with Rape-Face. They both die or something. I don’t care anymore at this point, as I’ve finally found Linda.  The last scene ends with Abilene standing over a third grave, next to her parents. I’m going to assume it’s her brother and not the rapist, but you never know with these two. Linda comforts her, and it ends with them together, probably with lots of plans of cats as children and fabulous kale gardens.

Since the only penises were inside sisters or raping, I can’t say I recommend this film. After doing some research, I found this was made by the same guy who was partly responsible for ‘Monster a Go-Go’, which is considered one of the worst films ever made, and even the MST3K team had a hard time watching.  This– well, this was porn. 1969 porn, but porn all the same. Although I’ve never understood the brother/sister market, as long as it’s all consenting adult humans, it’s all good.

So what I’m saying is; stay a ‘Miss Jackson’ type of person if you want, and have fun. Whatever, someone shot this movie in their garage. I don’t think it deserves anymore commentary than that.

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